*Page Under Construction. Please Be Patient.*
"If I knew that I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself."
-- Mickey Mantle
Greetings JPouchers (aka those who have JPouches)! Similar in functionality to the "Ostomates Untie" section, this page is designed to speak specifically to the trials and tribulations of life with a Jpouch. As such, I will be writing in a style that assumes a certain level of familiarity with the vocabulary of IBD, pelvic pouches, and the realities and consequences of dealing with the whole sha-bang.
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Dear Dr. CrapBag*
Believe the hype. People describing the fiery pits of ass-hell (aka butt burn) are not exaggerating. The sooner you come to terms with the reality of how painful, irritating and oftentimes unrelenting it can be, the sooner you can acknowledge that there will be a time in your life that finds you sitting on the toilet, sobbing and rocking yourself. This may help you maintain some of your dignity. Or not.
Buy cheap TP, pay for it later. Remember these commercials? Well, switch out that giant bear for yourself and those amusing bits of toilet paper stuck to his behind as not-so-amusing bits that are stuck to your enflamed, bleeding and very angry butt. Good times. But, not really. So, spend the extra money, upgrade from 1-ply to the softest, loveliest, couture toilet paper in the history of mankind. If it’s not financially feasible, tell your family and friends that it is their early/belated birthday and Christmas presents: “Merry Christmas/Happy Birthday! Your present is that you don’t have to listen to me bitch about this (as much) anymore.”
Be cautious with Ilex cream. This particular cream is phenomenal for helping take away some of the discomfort caused by butt burn (see #1). However, they are not kidding when they warn that it might work too well. It binds and coats your skin so effectively, that it can apparently make butt cheeks literally stick together. My spies suggest that a thin layer of vaseline over top of the applied Ilex can keep things…uh…in their separate corners.
Rehab is for (smart) quitters. If you, like me, have developed a close, personal relationship with your entirely legal opiate/narcotic collection, there is hope. Even if you cannot fathom a time in your life when you will be sufficiently pain-free and comfortable without the pills, it does not hurt (really, it doesn’t), to be prepared for the eventuality of clean living. Talk to your doctor(s) about how they (and different drug companies) can help. As the narcotics leave your system you may need a mild anti-anxiety/ tranquilizer to allow you to sleep for the first couple of days/week. Really: talk to them. They have heard worse (probably from me). If you don’t think they know me, you can always bring some of my blog postings…
Understand your new plumbing. On the surface, you are not all that physically different than non-IBDers. Your insides, however, tell a different story. So, do yourself a favor and figure out what it means. For your own personal edification I think it just makes smart safety sense to understand how what you put in your mouth eventually comes out of your butt. Also, be warned: people will ask you. Especially when they initially find out that you have Crohn’s or Colitis: people always have an Uncle Hebert, or know of a co-workers second cousin Marie who have problems “you know… down there.” So, to avoid looking like a stooge and admitting that you don’t really know the medical side of it…figure it out. If you are not sure, check out the resources from my HOME page and “git yur lern on.”
Invest in a bidet. Seriously. They have cost-effective ones that literally attach to your toilet seat. When hell fire begins to really burn and you start to whimper, think: cool water. Enough said.
Be realistic. Every procedure creates very real consequences that you will have to live with: go into them with your eyes open. Evaluate what price you are willing to pay, but don’t be too hard on yourself: sitting on the toilet in tears at 4am moaning “you did this to yourself, you did this to yourself…” is not constructive. Yes, you made a choice. But, it was a limited choice with limited options… no one chooses to have IBD happen to them. You did the best you could with what you had and it’s okay to feel pissy, angry, sad, depressed, and enraged about what has happened to you… And I’ll bet if your friends are anything like mine, if you picked up the phone and said: "I hurt, I can’t sleep, can you keep me company for a while?"… they would. Knowing that allows me to not actually pick up the phone (90% of the time) because the very thought of talking it through with them, calms me and reminds me that no matter how lonely I get, I am really not in this alone.
Gravity’s a Bitch. A key to surviving life as a Jpoucher is to acknowledge the contributions of Sir Isaac Newton. People with “normal” GI tracts expel waste through the contraction of the large intestine. The pouch does not contract; it empties through the gradual (or lightning super-fast-quick) passage of waste products. This is aided (in my experience) by gravity. The longer that I have my pouch, the more control I seem to attain; but it definitely seems to be easier when I am sitting or lying down.
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Drowning? Get a LIfe Boat.** Experiencing Ass Hell-Fire? Try Some of These...***
Creams/Lotions
 |
| Classic. |
Proshield Plus
Zinc Oxide
Analpram
Calmoseptine
Nupercanal
Anusol
Anusol
Pills/Bulking Agents****
Lomotil
Immodium
Metamucil Wafers
Apple Pectin
Citracil
Mystery Magic
Pharmacist Special: Equal Parts Lidocain, Vaso-dilator, and petroleum jelly.
Tucks wipes (Used to be popular with the hemorrhoid set; think lava lamps but in a medicated pad). For an extra special boost, keep them in the fridge… de-light-ful. Literally almost better than the opportunity to eat Smartfood again. Almost.
Liquid Antacid. Dab on rump for relief of external itching and/or burning. Can also be chilled in fridge for added relief.
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* I am not a doctor. At all.
** Or Mitch Buchanan.
*** I cannot personally vouch for the effectiveness of all of these products, but I can tell you that people on various message boards/my surgeon/GI nurses/my GP have all recommended their use at one point or another. Much like the diet question, finding the right pain relief/ointment may take some experimenting until you find the one(s) that work for you.
**** It may seem counterintuitive to use some of these products, but they actually help bulk up stool. This, in turn, helps JPouchers have fewer bowel movements. Thus, less ass hell-fire. Win, win (win?)!
